Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
