I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
