I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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