There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
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