it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
