she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
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I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
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No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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