she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
