Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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