it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
