Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
