Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
