my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
