Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
