Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
