Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
