I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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