just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I want to fling myself into the sun
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize