I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
