So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
