I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
