good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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