dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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