when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
We left the knife in your bed.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
