Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
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becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
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You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
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