Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I think I sprained my soul last night
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Randomize
