i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
