pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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