I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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