I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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