I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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