I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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