this beer tastes like vomit already
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
