Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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