Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
She is in my trunk
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
