The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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