My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
