we're chasing vodka with high fives
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
