Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
