Swine flu. Run for my life!
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
