I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
