Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
