alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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