FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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