Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
