i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
