giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
