I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
