my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
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That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I'm bleeding and have questions
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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