Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
