So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
