if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
