You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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